


Under the Willow

by jhoom



Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/M, M/M, Soldier!Cas, historical!AU, noble!cas, noble!sam, regency!au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-08
Updated: 2018-05-08
Packaged: 2019-05-04 03:29:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14583978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jhoom/pseuds/jhoom
Summary: From the moment he met Castiel Novak, the other boy had been such an enormous part of Sam’s life. He couldn’t imagine a world where his heart didn’t belong, at least in part, to Cas, a sentiment that was put to the test by the circumstances of their lives: years apart, a marriage to a noble lady, and the ever present reality that they were both men.





	Under the Willow

**Author's Note:**

> This is my entry for the [2018 Sastiel Big Bang.](http://sastielbb.tumblr.com) I had a chance to work with Blu as my artist, and we hashed out this story :) I would also like to thank [blue-reveries](http://blue-reveries.tumblr.com/) for beta-reading for me!
> 
> Enjoy! And come visit me on tumblr [@jhoomwrites](http://jhoomwrites.tumblr.com) to talk sastiel or anything spn related!

On a cool spring day, the Novak family and the Winchester family officially met.

The family elders had already met, of course, but Sam didn’t understand that at the time. It was _his_ first time meeting the many Novak children, so therefore it was as good as the Winchesters as a whole first meeting the Novaks.

His mother fussed over his hair and clothes, making him dress more nicely than he would like. He hated the stiff material of his nice jacket and the way she ran her fingers through his hair to tame it. The only time he had to dress this way was for church, but it was Tuesday. It built up the importance of the Novaks in the eleven year old’s mind. The Novaks were as fearsome as the parish clergyman who rattled on and on about brimstone and fire, or so they must be if they warranted the same clothing.

 _Meeting_ Naomi Novak and five of her children did nothing to dispel that opinion.

If Sam had known that day would be so important, he would’ve paid more attention. He’d have committed every second to memory, enjoyed it as fully as possible.

Naomi wasn’t pleasant at all, too many false smiles and unctuous words, but luckily for Sam she didn’t care for him at all. All her attention was focused on Mary and Dean in particular. Sam might as well have been a bug on the wall for as little she looked his way. She spared him once glance and perhaps two sentences the whole time they were there.

Sam found himself left with the only other person there that Naomi didn’t appear interested in: her youngest son, Castiel. The boy had dark hair and blue eyes and fidgeted in his own stiff jacket as much as Sam did. He was near Sam’s age, though likely a year or two older. The first chance they got to go off on their own and play, Sam latched on to Castiel’s hand and dragged him to the gardens.

“Your mother and your brother talk an awful lot,” Sam commented as he led Castiel outside. They were greeted by a few of the staff

“Yes,” Castiel agreed. “And yet they say nothing.”

Sam paused in shock, then laughed loudly. With a whistle, he called over a pair of hunting dogs and kneeled over to pet them. “Well, no wonder they like Dean so much. He’s the same way.”

Castiel hesitated as the dogs jumped around him happily, sniffing and licking him, but then pet one. He smiled when the dog nuzzled his hand.

“Actually,” he said as he continued to pet the dog. “They want your brother to marry my sister Hester.”

“Marry?” Sam made a face. “Gross.”

“Your parents don’t talk about marriage all the time, I take it?” Sam shook his head and Cas’ head sagged a little. “That’s _all_ my mother talks about. She’s very concerned about our family’s ‘legacy’ and apparently marriage is a big part of that. I’m too young and have too many older brothers for her to have found someone for _me_ yet, but Michael and Lucas attend balls almost weekly.”

“That sounds like it could be fun. My mother’s teaching me to dance, but it’s hard.”

Castiel leaned forward and whispered conspiratorially, “It sounds _exhausting_. I’m much happier to be alone in the library reading than I am having to learn how to behave properly at a dance or a visit to the theater.”

The older boy had a point; Sam didn’t much mind his daily lessons, but he didn’t think he’d want to be forced to dance with any girl that caught his family’s eye. In some ways it was nice that Dean would be there to bear the brunt of those types of responsibilities: marrying, having an heir, managing the estate. Sam wanted to help, but at least the pressure wasn’t there.

“Poor Dean,” Sam said.

“Poor Hester,” Castiel agreed. “But at least you and I can avoid the whole thing for a bit longer.”

Sam grinned widely. If Dean and Hester did get married, then that would be even more time that he and Castiel would get to spend together. So far, he liked spending time with Castiel, someone closer to his own age than Dean or his distant Campbell cousins. If it were even remotely possible that they could become true friends instead of occasional acquaintances, that would make Sam very happy indeed.

Unfortunately, the match did _not_ work out as Mrs. Novak intended.

Dean was polite and cordial to Hester, but it was clear there was no particular regard for her. The Novaks continued to call on their family and invite them to social gatherings, perhaps hoping that familiarity would increase Dean’s affection for her, but it was to no avail. Dean’s heart remained stubbornly unmoved (as did Hester’s, if Sam was at all reading her bored looks and lukewarm smiles correctly).

By then months had passed, and the Novak and Winchesters had forged too close of a friendship to completely abandon it. Michael especially had taken a liking to Dean, advising him as he did all his true brothers. Dean seemed to like the attention, and Sam liked that it afforded him more opportunities to see Castiel. While the older brothers smoked cigars and played billiards, Sam and Cas would sneak off to the library and discuss poetry and history.

Left alone as they often were, it gave them time to become the best of friends. Sam found that he preferred Castiel’s company to nearly all others, with the small exception of his mother and brother. Often Sam wondered how anyone—new and old friends alike, new neighbors moving into the region, even his future wife—could ever compare.

Sam had the growing suspicion that they never would; Cas would always have a special place in his heart.

~ ~ ~

The years drew on and their families settled into the routine of calling upon each other quite often. Sam turned twelve, then thirteen, then fourteen; the Novaks remained a fixture in his life so much so that he could hardly remember a time when he was _not_ friends with Castiel. Even if their mothers weren’t meeting, Sam and Cas could easily meet on their own in town or on a ride through the hills between their two estates. Perhaps Sam took it for granted that Castiel would be always be a part of his life. That he’d be no more than a carriage ride away should they wish to meet.

The day they first met had faded in his memory, but the cool autumn day that had threatened to end it all would forever be etched there as one of the most miserable days of his life.

Sam and Dean had called upon the Novak household. They’d heard all the brothers were in attendance, and though Dean had never quite warmed up to Luke, it felt proper to pay a visit. Luke and Raphael were as pompous as ever, competing with each other to be center of attention. Michael and Dean watched on with amusement and whispered amongst themselves. Castiel and Sam were stuck waiting on the whim of their brothers.

When they had a moment where their brothers weren’t likely to overhear them, Castiel tugged at Sam’s sleeves. “Can we talk a turn about the gardens? I have news.”

Castiel was smiling. The upward curve of his lips was gentle, barely detectable at all, but Sam knew better. He could see the corner of his eyes crinkling and the way the blue of his eyes nearly glowed. Whatever news Cas had, it was important.

Sam was hardly one to deny Cas anything, but now especially he’d have given Cas the world should he ask for it.

“Lead the way.”

They took a half lap around the lake before Cas actually spoke up. Not that Sam minded; the weather was beautiful and any afternoon in Cas’ company was surely better than being inside the stuffy Novak parlor.

“I don’t want to live at home.” Castiel’s voice was tight. “Living at home means being under my family’s thumb, and I have few other options. I would hardly be better off living with Lucas or Raphael at their estates, and they visit so frequently there’s really no point. My aunts and uncles, numerous as they are, follow my mother’s lead.”

Sam nodded, not sure what he could possibly say in response to that. Cas’ situation was similar but still quite different from his own. Dean would inherit the main house and Sam assumed he’d live in the smaller home at the far end of the property. There were only two of them, which made such an arrangement easy. With so many older brothers, Castiel’s options were limited.

“As much as my family assures me they won’t meddle with my life because I’m too lowly for any family of note to care about—” Sam scowled, knowing perfectly well that Cas was reciting things his family had said to him, things that he appeared to believe. “—I don’t trust that promise. If someone with the right name or, more likely, the right bank account, were to come along…” Cas trailed off and let Sam’s imagination fill in the rest.

Knowing Naomi as well as he did, Sam had no doubt that she would easily change her mind regarding any of her promises to her children.

“So what then?” Sam asked. “You’ll go off to school—”

“That _was_ the plan, yes, but that only buys me a few years at abest. No matter what, I’ll always be an eligible bachelor…”

Sam gasped. “So you’re going to make yourself ineligible. Cas, what are you going to do?”

“Don’t look so scandalized. It’s nothing drastic, I assure you. I’m not going to ruin my reputation or anything like that.” Cas turned and smiled wryly at his companion. “With my brothers’ assistance, I’ve purchased a commission with a regiment in Pontiac.”

Stunned, Sam didn’t know what to say. He’d always known he and Cas would part ways for a time, but he’d assumed he’d get to join Cas at Oxford after but a few years separation. They’d move to town together, as younger sons often did, until it was time for Sam to take up residence at Lawrence Estate. Then he’d put forward the suggestion that Castiel join him as a somewhat permanent guest.

There had been other fantasies as well, but Sam rarely allowed himself to dwell on them during his waking hours.

All of those dreams dissolved in an instant. Castiel would be a soldier. No, an _officer_. That would be his career, his livelihood. There’d be no end unless Cas chose to take one.

He’d be gone forever.

Belatedly he realized Cas was silent, waiting no doubt for Sam’s encouragement.

_Stop being overly dramatic. Cas is clearly excited. Be a good friend and offer support. You owe him that._

_You owe him so much more than that… Even if you can never offer it._

“You’ll make an excellent officer,” Sam said and hoped his voice didn’t tremble the same way his heart did.

Cas’ smile grew to one of those rare gummy ones that always made Sam’s breath catch. “Thank you, Sam. I’ll admit, I was skeptical at first, but as Gabriel pointed out, it’s one of the few professions Michael and my mother will allow. And after much consideration, I believe it’s one I’m well suited for.”

Now that the idea was before him, Sam was inclined to agree. Castiel was intelligent, clever, and strategically minded. He was able bodied and strong from years of riding, walking, and fencing. And perhaps best of all, he was exceptional at walking that thin line between following orders and doing what was best in spite of those orders.

“The King’s lucky to have you,” Sam said wholeheartedly. It wasn’t fair to Cas to let him know he’d rather Cas not be a soldier. Even stationed in England, there was an inherent risk to the position. And should Cas ever go to the Continent or further… He swallowed thickly. “When do you leave?”

“My commission doesn’t start for another month, but Michael, Gabriel, and I will leave in a fortnight. Michael wants to make sure the accommodations are ‘suitable’ for a Novak.”

Sam snorted. “And Gabriel? What’s his excuse?”

“He _claims_ it’s because he’s curious if the brothels near a fort are any different than the ones in town, but I suspect it’s because he’ll miss me. He often says I’m the only other Novak with any good sense.”

“... That would imply that Gabriel has good sense.”

“Indeed it would.” Cas chuckled, but then almost immediately his expression went somber. “You’ll write me, won’t you? I’d hate for our friendship to suffer because of my absence. In truth, I value your company more than any of my actual brothers…”

The confession was everything Sam wanted to hear, except for one word of it. Cas would miss him. Cas valued him above all others.

Cas considered him another brother.

The sentiment shouldn't sting, but he couldn’t shake how utterly painful it was to hear it.

“Of course I’ll write,” he said with false enthusiasm. “As often as you wish. More often than I fear you’ll want to hear from me, once you’ve gotten settled.”

“I doubt that’s possible. When you turn sixteen, you should fully expect me to help you find a commission of your own.”

Castiel laughed when Sam’s expression turned sour. Sam’s father had a short lived military career, one that had ended poorly even after he’d returned home. Constant medical complications had plagued him until he’d ultimately passed away from them.

While Castiel might enjoy the freedom it would offer him, Sam could think of nothing he wanted less.

“That was a joke, Sam.”

Relief flooded through him. “Good. I don’t want you to get your hopes up that I’ll join you at your regiment.”

Though Sam found it to be more of a temptation than he would have anticipated.

“I suppose I’ll have to protect the country all on my own then,” Cas teased. They’d reached the last winding turn in the path; they could either go back up to the house or make another round of the lake.

Noticing Cas’ hesitation, Sam made the distinct choice of turning left back towards the lake. Cas followed.

“So tell me everything you know about your regiment…”

_And I’ll pretend my heart isn’t breaking into a thousand pieces..._

~ ~ ~

They wrote each other often.

Sam didn’t want to seem overeager, so he waited until Castiel sent a letter. He eagerly read and re-read it as soon as it arrived, penned out his response, and then forced himself to wait a reasonable seven days before putting it to post. Scarcely a few weeks went by before another letter arrived, and Sam repeated the process.

Most of their letters were generic in their content—Sam providing details of both his and Cas’ families, Cas painting the picture of a soldier’s life—but occasionally Sam will be overcome with such melancholy that he lets some of his true feelings slip through.

_During these dreadful gatherings in town, I miss your company than I can bear…_

_The Novak estate holds none of its appeal now that you are gone…_

_I wish you could visit more often; seeing you but once a year for a day or two is not nearly enough…_

There were many times Sam thought of burning those letters before sending them. His affection, such as it was, could surely be nothing to Castiel. Sam was but his childhood friend, someone he would eventually outgrow. Certainly he did not look forward to Sam’s letters the way Sam did for his. Castiel did not treasure the old letters, keeping them to re-read on lonely nights.

Castiel did not love Sam the way Sam loved Castiel.

To be fair, Castiel loved Sam in his own way, but Sam couldn’t fathom Castiel feeling the same sort of love Sam did. At times he felt like he would burst from it, that his heart couldn’t possibly contain it all. The older he grew, the more he came to know the feeling as passion and not as the platonic love he’d pretended it to be for some time. No longer could he hide it behind the title “brother” and “friend,” even from himself.

Once he admitted it to himself, the feeling took free rein. He could not think of Cas without thinking of his chapped lips, his tan skin, the depths of blue in his eyes. He could not name such details about a single other friend in his acquaintance. He would scarcely know the color of _Dean’s_ eyes had he not thought to look one day.

There was simply no way around it; Sam was deeply in love with his best friend.

There were subtle hints in Castiel’s letters, things Sam might choose to read as romantic if he was feeling particularly generous.

_Would that the other officers had an ounce of your kindness, loyalty, and goodness, the country would be in a far better state than it is…_

_Though I do enjoy being a soldier, I do find there are times I regret the decision. The most recent moment was when I realized I would miss your birthday…_

_Would that Winchester Abbey was closer! I very much wish I could take a day to myself and ride out to visit you, free of the obligation of seeing my family as well, but alas I cannot…_

But even at his most generous, at his most romantic, Sam could find no way around the issue. He and Castiel could never be together, no matter how much he might wish it so.

Sam mustered all the strength he had and _refused_ to read too much into Cas’ letters. It would serve to do no more than bring him pain.

~ ~ ~

When Castiel’s younger sister, Anna, turned fifteen, Sam finally realized why Mrs. Novak had allowed her sons to remain such close companions with the Winchesters. With another daughter waiting in the wings, having Michael and Dean such good friends made it easy for them to keep tabs on Dean’s other romantic pursuits. It also made the introduction of Anna that much easier.

 _Are you really that cynical?_ Sam asked himself as Anna curtsied prettily for him and Dean. He stole a glance at Naomi, who didn’t even bother to hide her smile when Dean commented on how pretty Anna looked today. _Clearly I’m not being cynical enough._

 _Can you believe it?_ he wrote to Castiel that night. _I should not be surprised if your mother has a date arranged for the marriage. She’s probably gotten Michael to teach Anna everything about Dean—his likes, his dislikes, his habits—so she can play the perfect wife for him._

Not a fortnight later, Sam got his response from Castiel.

_Sam, if you think my mother only has a date picked out, you’re a fool. I assure you, she has the wedding clothes, the venue, and the decorations already paid for. She’s merely waiting for your brother to accept that he’s the groom and sign the marriage contract she’s no doubt had waiting since the moment Anna was born._

_Though you are too hard on Anna. I know you’ve but met her once or twice informally, but she’s not nearly as sweet as she pretends to be around our mother. She’s as mischievous as Gabriel, and far better at avoiding being caught. If she and Dean get along well—which I suspect they will—it’s because she actually likes your brother, I assure you. She’s not very good about putting on those types of airs, at least not to suit mother._

From then on, Sam did his very best to observe Anna. She was soft smiles and delicate blushes when Naomi or Michael were present, but as soon as they looked away, her face light up and her tone became more open. Convinced (and relieved) that her affection for Dean seemed genuine, Sam did his best to make it clear he approved of the match and to be as friendly as possible to the youngest Novak.

When the engagement was formalized, Sam was glad for it. Dean and Anna looked truly happy together, and a love match that would provide both of their families with joy was a rare thing indeed. It was mid-winter when the impending nuptials were announced, and plans for a spring wedding started immediately.

Sam was indifferent to most of the details—his brother was marrying a lovely girl, what more did he truly need to know?—until he heard of one very important one.

Castiel had requested an extended leave in order to attend the wedding. He’d be back at the Novak house for _months_ on end with no formal business to occupy his time.

For a brief time, Sam would have his best friend back.

His mind buzzed with possibilities, but he allowed none of them to manifest as actual hopes. Whatever might happen, he needed to ground his expectations in reality. After the wedding, Castiel would return north to his regiment.

But whatever happened before then…

Their actual reunion was understated and alarmingly quick. The Novaks arrived for dinner at Winchester Abbey. Sam got as far as smiling widely at Cas and moving to pull him into a hug when they were called down to the dining room. And of course they were seated too far apart to converse freely, especially with Hester _and_ Gabriel between them.

Even so, Sam could not be happier that Castiel was _back_. At any time during the boring dinner conversation, he could turn to look at Cas and assure himself that he was truly there. Whenever Michael said something particularly ridiculous, they’d catch each other’s eye like when they were boys and share an unspoken joke at Michael’s expense. And when it was finally Cas’ chance to speak, to talk about all that he had seen and done so far as an officer, Sam could stare as long as he wished without seeming rude.

Compared to the last few years apart, it was paradise.

When dinner was over and the other men disappeared to the parlor, Sam and Cas finally had their moment together.

“Next time, I’ll insist on being seated next to you,” Cas said without preamble. “Gabriel was purposefully annoying, I’m sure of it, and Anna kept teasing me about my uniform.”

“Why?” Sam said without thinking. “You look good in uniform.”

He almost wished this was their usual correspondence; when he wrote such foolish things, he never had to _see_ Castiel’s reaction. Now he wanted to turn away and hope that Cas was merciful enough to not mention it.

Instead his eyes were fixed on the smile playing at Cas’ lips and the slightest of blushes that colored his cheeks.

Perhaps it _was_ better to do this in person.

“Thank you, Sam. I’m more inclined to believe you than my sister. I fear she’s overly generous with her compliments, but I trust that you would never say such a thing without meaning it.”

Feeling giddy that Castiel enjoyed Sam’s attention—he dared not use the word flirting—he answered more truthfully than he normally would have. “I would not. You can rest assured, Cas, I will always give you my true and honest opinion.”

An actual smile broke out on Cas’ face; it was utterly blinding.

“Good. Then pray tell me, what’s your opinion on us being left out of the wedding preparations? Or have they already allotted several dances for each of us?”

Sam laughed. He’d had a glass of wine with dinner, but the alcohol never felt as powerful as how he felt with Castiel. “Oh rest assured, we’ll hear nothing but talk of the wedding. Even Dean won’t let the matter rest. I daresay he’s so excited he’s already picked out the names for the hundred nieces and nephews we’re to have.”

“If they’ve even gotten to Dean,” Cas said somberly, “then we truly don’t stand a chance.”

It scared Sam how easily they reconnected. There was no awkwardness in their conversation or manners, no uncertainty. They were as close as they’d been as children, perhaps moreso because they were each other’s ally in avoiding their families. For Castiel, avoiding his family was almost a necessity; they were truly overbearing and their presence could suck the life out of the room. For Sam, avoiding his mother and Dean was more a matter of avoiding a headache. His happiness for Dean did _not_ mean he cared at all for looking at floral arrangements, guests lists, or different types of lace.

Whatever it was, they spent day after day with barely anyone else for company. It was dead of winter by then, so they were stuck indoors, but both the Novak estate and Winchester Abbey offered plenty of places to hide.

Sam couldn’t help but notice that as the weeks went on, their seats edged closer together. They didn’t take chairs on opposite ends of the room, but always sat as closely as possible. Or perhaps they sat together on the chaise lounge by the fire, thighs brushing and occasionally their hand would rest one on the other as if by accident.

It was never an accident, not when Sam did it. More and more he began to hope that Castiel acted purposefully as well.

~ ~ ~

“I’m so glad we waited until the spring,” Anna gushed as she looked out at the Novak gardens. Candles lit the path through the newly budding trees and bushes. “There’s something to be said for an outdoor dance, isn’t there?”

There’d been a lot of arguments back and forth about having such a lavish party after the wedding. It wasn’t traditional by any means for anyone other than the royal family; weddings were meant to be private, family affairs. Naomi would have none of it though.

“Only for royalty?” Naomi had scoffed. “Darling, our family is _older_ than the crown. We’ll do as we please.”

Naomi did allow one small change in the name of social conventions: she kept it a family affair. Of course the Novaks and Winchesters were related to a great many people, so the grounds overflowed with people.

Sam had to admit, it was a beautiful sight. The neighborhood would talk, but there might actually be something to Naomi’s delusions of grandeur if this was the end result of it.

The guests milled about the gardens, drinking and laughing and in all ways making merry.

“You’re right,” Sam admitted to Anna. “It’s lovely.”

Anna smiled and gave him a kiss on his cheek before disappearing into the crowd to greet her guests and well wishers. She would make an excellent Lady of Winchester Abbey, no doubt about it.

“Don’t you dare look so smug, Sammy,” Dean warned as he sternly wagged a finger at him, a warning that was completely undermined by his brother’s playful wink. “You snicker behind my back and call me a fool for enjoying this so much, but sooner or later you’ll find yourself at your _own_ wedding.”

Sam’s stomach dropped uncomfortably at the idea. His _own_ wedding? He couldn’t imagine himself in front of a minister, some faceless woman standing at his side, as he recited vows before God.

_How could I possibly promise such things when I’d truly be thinking of another?_

Without any conscious thought, he turned to look at Castiel.

“Sam.” Dean’s voice was gentler than it had been a moment ago. He placed a hand on his brother’s shoulder and waited until he had his full attention. “I understand the direction your heart is tending.”

Sam tried to pull away. “It’s not—”

Dean’s grip tightened. “It is. It has been for some time, if I’m not mistaken. Please know that I want nothing but your happiness, and I know being with Castiel makes you happy. I merely worry about what will happen to you when society’s expectations drive you apart.” He leaned in close. “What you want, I don’t know if it’s possible. At least not for very long. I’m just trying to help you set your expectations—”

“Thank you for your concern,” Sam spit out as he finally jerked out of Dean’s grasp. “Go back to your lovely bride and leave me be.”

Although he looked hurt by Sam’s outburst, Dean let him go. Sam would apologize later, but for now he wanted to brush off Dean’s comments and live the fantasy he’d been harboring more and more since Castiel returned.

He could think of no better way to do that than to drink copious amounts of wine.

When that did little to numb his pain, he switched to brandy. It didn’t help either. How could it, when everywhere he turned, he saw examples of marital bliss? His brother and new sister dancing. Their friends and family sharing stories. The music was too happy for his dour mood. The decorations themselves were an affront to his wounded heart, so Sam wandered deeper into the gardens until he could no longer hear the laughter and joy all about him.

 _I’m being childish,_ he scolded himself. He found a willow and hid beneath its branches. _I should be focusing on Dean’s happiness instead of my own crushed hopes. It’s not as though Dean told me anything I didn’t already know._

_Castiel and I… It was a foolish dream, one I need to learn to let go before it makes me bitter._

_I should maintain the distance we had as children, so as not to get ahead of myself and fall into thinking we can have more than what we already have._

“Sam?”

As if on cue, Castiel appeared at the edge of the branches. He parted them and walked unsteadily towards Sam.

“You disappeared,” Cas took a seat right next to Sam. It was uncomfortably close, all the more uncomfortable because of Sam’s self-recrimination about this very type of touch. “I was worried.”

Sam faked a laugh. “Worried about what, Cas? I know these grounds as well as those at home. I’m not likely to get lost.”

“Indeed,” Cas said with a diplomatic nod. “But perhaps I wanted to offer you some company if you were _purposely_ getting lost. Besides…” He reached into his jacket and pulled out a small flask. “If I didn’t find you, I’d have been forced to drink all this on my own.”

As always, Castiel knew him too well.

“In that case, I very much welcome the intrusion.”

They passed the flask back and forth. The liquor warmed him and chased away his doubts. Even if he and Castiel could not have the life he secretly yearned for, they could have this: stolen moments shared beneath a willow tree.

Though it was spring, a chill still filled the air. As the evening drew on into full night, they ended up pressed together shoulder to shoulder to keep warm. They breathed in each other’s air with every word. Sam didn’t realize he was leaning into Castiel’s space until he caught himself staring at Cas’ lips.

“Sam,” Castiel whispered. “May I…?”

He had no idea what Cas was actually asking. He knew what he _wanted_ , but there was a world of difference between what Sam _wanted_ and what would actually happen.

Even so, he could deny Cas nothing.

“Yes,” he whispered back. “You may.”

And with that, Castiel closed the distance between them.

There was nothing sweeter than the taste of Castiel’s lips. No melody in the world more beautiful than the sound of Cas’ breath hitching when Sam grabbed a fistful of his hair and rolled on top of him. And there was certainly no sight more beautiful than Cas looking utterly debauched in the moonlight.

Perhaps they each pretended they were more drunk than they actually were. Hiding behind a mask of alcohol, they could actually indulge themselves in a night together.

And it was perfect.

~ ~ ~

The next morning, Sam felt giddy. Memories of the previous night carried him through his morning routine and all the way down to breakfast. He hummed a tune under his breath, one that carried his good mood and reminded him of Castiel.

 _My lover,_ he reminded himself and bit back a grin. _Castiel is **my lover**. For all I’d worried he didn’t feel the same as I do…_

“Someone’s in good cheer.” Dean quirked an eyebrow at his brother as he took a seat, but Sam offered no explanation.

“Let him have his secrets,” Anna scolded Dean. It was somewhat of a shock to Sam’s system to have a fourth party at the table, though he supposed he would have to get used to it. Anna and Dean had taken over the master bedrooms on the east end of the house, rooms that their mother had abandoned many years ago. “If he doesn’t want to share them with us, then don’t pester him.”

“I know you only have the benefit of being on the receiving end of such things,” Dean said smoothly, “but as his older brother, it is my _obligation_ to pester him.”

“He’s not bothering me,” Sam assured Anna. “He’s pulled far too many pranks on me when we were boys for me to be bothered by some harmless teasing.”

“Good. I would hate for him to ruin whatever’s lightened your spirits. Not that you were ever particularly out of spirits before, but you definitely seem happier today than you did even a few days ago.” Anna smiled over a cup of tea. “And since you won’t tell us why, I will be very generous to myself and assume it’s because you and I are now brother and sister.”

Sam laughed. “And what kind of brother would I be to contradict you? I am indeed very glad to have you here, and very glad that you make my brother happy. For as obnoxious as he can be, he is, in relative terms, a very good older brother.”

Dean glared between them. “Already, they gang up on me. Not even a day, and I’m set upon.”

“My son, ever dramatic,” Mary teased. “You should count your lucky blessings for such a spirited wife.”

“And for such a wonderfully charming younger brother,” Sam prompted.”

Mary shrugged and hid a smile. “Not my words, but yes, I suppose so.”

As the four of them continued to chat over breakfast, Sam couldn’t help but be keenly aware that there was one person’s presence he yearned for. If Castiel were here, the moment would truly be perfect.

“I hope none of you have plans for the next few days,” Anna said as they finished up the last of the food. “I’m determined that we spend as much time as possible with Castiel before he disappears. Who knows when we’ll see him again, after all.”

“You’ll have no complaints from me,” Sam said. “But surely he’ll be back at the end of the year for Christmas.”

Anna and Dean both stiffened and slowly turned their attention to Sam. After a brief look at each other, the couple silently debating who should speak next, Anna sighed and reached for Sam’s hand.

“Sam, did Cassie not tell you?”

“Tell me what?”

She worried her bottom lip for a moment before continuing. “Well, Castiel’s no longer stationed in Pontiac. He’ll be leaving for India at the end of the week. It’s a long term assignment, one that would make it impossible for him to visit for… for years, most likely.” She frowned. “Did he really not tell you?”

As neutrally as he could, Sam answered with a terse, “No, he did not.”

It made sense, though. Castiel’s undue attention toward him. Following him to the willow tree. The kiss, everything that followed… Castiel knew he would be leaving, and he wanted a few last moments with Sam.

He never intended for things to continue beyond last night.

Sam found himself in a daze for the rest of the day. Even when Cas and Raphael visited in the afternoon, Sam couldn’t muster the energy to be sociable. He excused himself early on to collect himself; he should have known Cas would follow him.

“I was going to tell you,” he said without preamble, taking a spot next to Sam on the balcony. “I just didn’t know how.”

“‘I’m leaving for another country halfway across the world, Sam.’ I feel that would have sufficed.”

Castiel winced but didn’t argue. “Yes, I suppose so. I’m sorry—”

“Did you mean any of it?” Sam demanded earnestly. He felt his heart was hammering so loudly in his chest that Castiel must be able to hear it; the whole _household_ could hear it. “Last night? Was it merely a… a meaningless tryst? Did you never intend—”

“Sam,” Cas begged. His hand moved as though to clasp Sam’s, but Sam pulled away. “I didn’t want this winter to be overshadowed with my impending departure. Last night, it meant the world to me. My only regret is that we shall not be able to continue now that—”

“Cassie,” Anna whined from behind them. The two of them sprung apart, though they’d been innocently positioned. “Come back. I know Sam is your best friend, but as your sister, I demand my own chances to enjoy your company.”

Castiel didn’t look particularly pleased to do so, but he nodded solemnly. “Of course.”

Though he didn’t acknowledge it, Sam saw the apologetic look Cas shot his way. Sam stayed out on the balcony for some time, watching the dogs playfully nip at each other as they were fed. In every way, his world was the same as it was a day ago, yet it felt fundamentally different. What he’d thought to be a happy change, he now thought quite the opposite.

He hated today.

… But if he were being fair, he could not truly blame Castiel for his behavior. If he were in the same position, he wasn’t sure he would have behaved differently. Last night, they’d _both_ been caught up in the moment. Even if he’d known Cas was leaving, Sam would have been just as enthusiastic. Perhaps the moment would have been more bittersweet, but there was no point in denying it would have happened.

_He leaves in but a few days. Do I want to spend those days angry and sullen, ignoring him?_

Mind made up, Sam returned to the parlor. He said nothing, but he hoped Castiel would understand the soft smile he spared for him.

Based on the smile he got back in return, Castiel did.

~ ~ ~

They had no chance to have another stolen moment before Cas’ inevitable departure, but they each went out of their way to spend time together in the days they had left. Long hunts and walks through the garden, time together in the library or study, trips to town. Granted, more often than not they were accompanied by their brothers, but it was still gratifying nonetheless.

When the day of Castiel’s departure came, Sam made sure he was there.

“I’ll miss you,” Sam said as Cas waited for his carriage to be loaded. This was not a time for minced words, so Sam laid it all out for Castiel. “More than you can know.”

“I suspect I _do_ know,” Cas mumbled, “for I feel the same. You’ll continue to write me, won’t you?”

“You know I will,” Sam promised. Every instinct told him to pull Castiel into a hug, to kiss him and beg him to stay. The first two were impossible in full view of both their families; no one was close enough to hear them, but they couldn’t risk an embrace.

Asking Castiel to stay? That would be too selfish, too painful for them both, so he clamped his mouth shut. He wouldn’t make such a demand on Cas, knowing full well he couldn’t act on it despite his wishes.

“Good,” Cas said. “I look forward to each letter as though they were each a visit from you.”

Sam watched as Castiel finally got into the carriage. He waved goodbye to them all, then off he went. Sam stayed until the carriage was out of sight, and even then it took a great deal of effort to turn back to the house and walk away.

Any hope he’d ever nurtured of pursuing a romantic relationship with Castiel died right then.

~ ~ ~

They wrote each other, as promised, but Castiel was stationed much farther away than before. Sam had once expected a new letter each month if not more frequently, and now he waited months on end for but one. By the time he got a new letter, so much had happened that Sam could not reasonably fit it all into one letter. He had to leave things out, and he suspected Castiel did the same.

Despite their best efforts, their correspondence languished.

A few years passed and he’d never felt like they were hardly even friends anymore. While before he didn’t include information simply to save time, Sam found himself sharing less and less of himself out of hesitance. Did they truly even know each other well enough to discuss such matters so openly?

The worst day of Sam’s life was when he realized he only wrote Castiel out of obligation. Where once he’d eagerly read Cas’ letters and written his reply as soon as possible, now he left them on his desk for days before reading them and put off writing back.

He hated that things ended up this way, but alas, he knew not how to fix it.

~ ~ ~

It was always Sam’s habit to wander the grounds. Though he loved to read, he felt antsy if he couldn’t stretch his legs and get outside. More often than not, his feet carried him toward the Novak estate.

He was welcome there, of course he was, but he rarely indulged in actually crossing onto their property. Because he knew if he did, he would end up at the edge of the willow, staring longingly underneath its branches and hoping for something that was forever beyond his grasp.

~ ~ ~

It was never Sam’s intention to become a recluse, but it happened nonetheless. He avoided large parties who visited the house and made few social calls of his own. Most of his days were spent hunting or training the dogs.

Mary pursed her lips whenever she saw him heading out ot the stables.

Anna made weak attempts to include him in conversations.

Dean always looked on the verge of saying something, but he always thought better of it.

Sam felt their concern, but he couldn’t bring himself to do anything about it. Not yet.

~ ~ ~

Three years after Castiel has departed, Sam still treasured their time together… but he acknowledged that it was but a single night. It wasn’t realistic of him to continue to pine after his childhood love for the rest of his life, especially when the sentiment might not be returned. Sam didn’t _need_ an heir since Dean was going to inherit _and_ already had a son of his own, but holding out for Cas…

It was one drunken night together celebrating their families. He couldn’t assume Cas was waiting for _him_. And waiting for what, exactly? For Castiel to return from India in a decade? As if they could just resume what they had after so long apart. It was presumptuous of _both_ of them.

After begrudgingly admitting the futility of his love for Castiel, Sam gave into his brother’s gentle nudging. He took Dean aside and agreed to attend more balls with the specific intention of finding a wife.

Dean bit the inside of his cheeks when he heard the news. “Are you sure?” he said cautiously.

“You’re the one who said I needed a wife—”

“Yes, I know. I think it would do you some good to find a lifelong companion. You’ve floundered a bit these past few years, and I think the right person—” Sam flinched and pretended he didn’t read Dean’s meaning behind the word ‘person’ instead of ‘woman.’ “—might help. But I don’t want you to do this just to appease me. If you truly are ready, then I’ll assist you in the endeavour, but if you’re not—”

“I am,” Sam insisted. He’d made up his mind. He was committed to getting over Cas, and this was a necessary first step.

Dean considered him a moment before sighing. “Very well. I’ll talk to Anna. She knows more eligible young ladies than I do.”

“I’d be a little worried if you did,” Sam teased.

Dean rolled his eyes but smiled anyway.

Anna was absolutely _delighted_ to hear that Sam was finally ready to look for a wife. She laughed at her husband’s suggestions of names and took over all the matchmaking herself. The only one she’d accept input from was Mary, much to both Dean and Sam’s chagrin.

“He’s my brother,” Dean pouted. “Wouldn’t I know better than you?”

“She’d be _my_ wife,” Sam added. “Wouldn’t _I_ know?”

Both Mary and Anna laughed. “No,” they said together, and that was that.

“I want my son to have cousins to play with,” Anna said with a devilish smirk. “The only one I trust to handle a delicate matter such as this is myself. With your mother’s help, of course,” she added hastily, smiling at Mary.

“Oh, you’re much better at playing matchmaker than I am,” Mary said dismissively as she sipped her tea. “You did a lovely job with Uncle Robert and Lady Ellen. If you could find a woman half so well suited for Sam, I’ll be happy.”

“You have enough siblings of your own,” Sam said, ignoring his mother’s amused gaze. “Surely there’ll be cousins to spare.”

“Be that as it may, you and I _both_ know the difference between Novaks and Winchesters. A few more Winchesters in the world wouldn’t be a bad thing. There are far more than enough Novaks.”

As diplomatic as ever, Sam didn’t comment. Anna was very vocal about the failings of her family, but Sam (and Dean, for that matter) chose to avoid the topic whenever possible. He got the feeling that Anna was trying to find their breaking point where they’d say something unseemly about them, but it hadn’t happened yet.

At first the balls they attended were tedious. Sam had been to a few, but he’d generally avoided dancing with anyone besides Anna, Mary, and on occasion Hester. Anna kept encouraging him, telling him that with the right partner any dance was enjoyable. He’d yet to find such a partner, and remained skeptical.

One by one, Anna went through several of her friends. Madison and Amelia and Sarah, all of them lovely ladies from good families. At first Sam would be enchanted by them and their attention, but inevitably the courtship would fall flat.

They just didn’t compare to Cas, and sooner or later, he’d realize that and move on.

But then there was Jess.

Jess was as beautiful as the others, as charming and accomplished as any lady Anna had introduced him to, but there was more to her. She was vibrant and full of life, teasing even while flattering and always with a smile in her eyes. He’d known her but a month when he came to the startling conclusion that he’d fallen in love with her.

Then came the guilt. The guilt that perhaps he was misleading Jess a little, since his heart belonged in part to another. The guilt that he was truly abandoning Cas, even if he was almost completely sure it was a one-sided love. It took him a while to move past both.

If Jess had harbored love for another before him, it didn’t matter to him and the more he knew her, the more he suspected Jess would be equally generous with him.

If Cas had loved him, he would want to see Sam happy; Cas was not so selfish to expect Sam to live his on the mere possibility that they would end up together.

Cas would want him to be happy, so Sam reluctantly took steps towards securing that happiness

Jess was someone Sam had connected with. They were close, closer than Sam was with anyone after Cas. She fit right in with his family. If Sam allowed himself to imagine a future with her, he could _not_ imagine it being anything but a happy one.

~ ~ ~

They’re married within a year. The wedding is a much smaller affair than Dean’s had been, but it suited both him and Jess the way Dean’s wedding had suited him and Anna. There was notably one empty seat at the church, but other than that the event had the most important people in Sam’s life in attendance.

As he recited his vows as instructed, Sam knew in his heart this was the right decision.

~ ~ ~

_Sam,_

_I’m very happy to hear about your marriage, though admittedly I was disappointed to hear the news from Anna instead of you. Let me wish you all the joy in the world and offer my sincerest regrets that I was unable to attend—_

Sam didn’t read the rest of the letter.

Instead he burned it.

~ ~ ~

Two years later, their son John was born. He looked the spitting image of Jess, and Sam adored him.

No accompanying letter came from Castiel.

~ ~ ~

They lived happily for several years until tragedy struck.

Sam, Jess, and young John had taken over the smaller house on Winchester Abbey. It was the dowager house, though Mary preferred to live in the main house with Dean and Anna. Living on the edge of the property allowed them more privacy than they’d had at the main home, something they’d craved more and more as the house slowly filled with children. Dean and Anna already had three children with a fourth on the way, and sometimes Sam and Jess wanted a little peace and quiet.

Then a fire took that peace and quiet, and Jess with it.

He clutched John to his chest and wept with his son for all that they’d lost because of an unfortunate accident.

It went without saying that he and John moved back into the main house. Where once Sam had longed for his own space, now he filled every waking moment with his family. They were the only comfort that truly helped ease the pain.

Having gone through the heartache of losing Cas and now Jess too, Sam made a solemn vow: he would never fall in love again.

~ ~ ~

Life went on, as it had a bad habit of doing.

Dean dragged Sam more into managing the family holdings. It was completely to give Sam something to do and occupy his time, and he gratefully accepted the responsibility. He didn’t have the head for it that Dean did, but he did well enough.

At Anna and Mary’s insistence that he get out of the house more, he took up hunting more avidly than before. What once was a hobby that offered an occasional diversion, he began to pay more attention to the seasonal animals and tracking. There was something relaxing about being out in the woods with his dogs. Out there, it didn’t matter what pain and bad memories he’d left behind.

His life wasn’t as happy as it had once been and the prospects for future happiness were dim indeed, but Sam was certain with time he’d adjust.

He had to, for his son’s sake.

~ ~ ~

“Does anyone have any news? Anything interesting to share?” Anna asked coyly one evening at dinner. Even Dean looked confused by (and suspicious of) his wife’s question.

“No,” Dean said slowly. “But it sounds like _you_ might.”

“Dean, that’s terribly unfair of you to put me on the spot like that. What if I don’t have anything to share?”

“... But you do, don’t you?”

“Well, now that you mention it… I did receive a letter from my brother earlier today asking if he could stay with us.”

“Which brother and how long?” Dean’s shoulders slumped. “You already told him he could stay, didn’t you?”

“I did, but don’t worry. It’s not as bad as all that. You know very well that Luke and Raphael would never lower themselves to staying at the Abbey when they could stay with my mother and Michael.”

“... If this means that it’s _Gabriel_ —”

“It’s Castiel,” Anna interrupted. “His commission in India is done and he asked if he could stay with us while he figures out his next steps. He’s unsure if he wants to continue as an officer or retire, but if he’s to retire he’ll need to find another living situation. Obviously _he_ doesn’t want to stay with our mother if at all possible, and I told him that naturally staying with us is the solution.”

“Oh.” Dean tried very hard not to look Sam’s way as he answered; the strain caused a vein in his neck to show rather prominently. “Of course Cas can stay. You know Cas is always welcome. For as long as he’d like.”

The rest of the conversation washed over Sam, but he could hardly make out what they said. Anna talked about how it would be good for Castiel and Sam to reconnect. Dean wondered what kinds of stories Cas would have to share. Mary put in that it would be great for the children to meet their uncle. On and on, all about Castiel.

Sam felt ill.

He excused himself early from dinner and went to bed, claiming a headache.

What was he ever to do?

_There’s nothing **to** do, except insist Castiel not be allowed to stay. Are you really so petty and awful that you would deny him and his sister that? He’s Dean’s friend as well. It’s hardly fair that you should disrupt their plans simply for your own comfort._

The only thing that felt worse than the prospect of seeing Cas again was the idea of _not_ seeing him. Castiel was always going to come back home. What did it matter if it was now or in a few years time?

_I’ve moved on from Cas. I expect nothing from Cas beyond friendship, as I’m sure he expects no more from me. There’s no reason that he and I can’t still be friends. It will be awkward at first, perhaps, but we’ll move past it._

Thoroughly convinced of both their indifference, Sam relaxed. Though perhaps he looked forward to Castiel’s arrival a little more than he let on.

~ ~ ~

While Sam might intellectually have known that Castiel was returning and felt prepared, it was a whole other matter to actually _see_ Castiel.

On the actual day of, Sam was nervous but kept himself distracted. He’d gone for a morning ride and spent some time with John. Now he was on his way to the library to lose himself in a good book.

He’d expected Cas to arrive closer to dinner, so it took him absolutely by surprise to round a corner and find Castiel there.

There was a giant portrait of Sam, Jess, and John surrounded by their hunting dogs. It’d been a gift from Dean, commissioned when John had been but three years old, and it had stayed in Sam’s house until the fire. There’d been some damage, obviously, some ash that needed to be cleaned off, but all in all the painting was in extraordinary condition. Sam loved that painting, he always had.

Castiel stood in front of it now, his back to Sam as he stared up at it, and in that very moment Sam hated that portrait with all his being.

_You don’t hate it. You hate that Cas is seeing it. That he has proof of the life you had without him._

He knew not how long he stood there, watching Castiel and feeling as though he were a sixteen year old boy once more. He was near on thirty now, yet still his heart fluttered in his chest the way it had all those years ago.

He was still standing there, absolutely transfixed, when Cas turned around. The other man startled to find he wasn’t alone, but the wide smile that crossed his face was proof enough that he was not at all put out by the interruption.

“Sam,” Cas said, and Sam knew he was lost.

Cas had always been handsome. As a youth, his lovely blue eyes had been at the center of his beauty; everything else was appealing, but his eyes had bewitched Sam first. His eyes were no less ethereal now, not by a long shot, yet Sam found they could not hold his attention. Cas’ voice was rougher than before, a full octave lower, to devastating effect. He was taller, of course, and more muscular from years of service.

What Sam had thought to be the epitome of beauty in their youths, Sam now saw that this older version so outshone Cas’ younger self that Sam knew he was as doomed now as he’d ever been.

“Cas. It’s good to see you.” He stepped forward and offered his hand to Castiel. His arms ached to hug Cas, but that was premature at best. It would take them some time to regain their easy conversation with each other, let alone any sort of intimacy. “I’ll confess, I did not expect to see you before dinner. And I was sure Anna would make a fuss about your arrival that I’d scarce be able to avoid knowing you were here even should I wish it.”

Cas accepted his hand and shook it. Sam did _not_ think about the calloused skin or firm grip.

“I was sure of that as well, which is why I rode ahead and snuck in through the stables. My carriage will arrive soon.”

Sam laughed; at least in essentials, Castiel truly hadn’t changed at all. Where the rest of his family—Anna included—might enjoy the fanfare of a grand entrance, Cas was more than content to let himself in and quietly make his way inside.

“The house isn’t much changed,” Cas continued. “I was worried I’d get lost, but I find everything’s exactly as it was. Well, except for the decor.” He nodded towards the painting behind him and Sam instantly flushed.

“Listen, Cas—”

“I should hardly be surprised,” Anna said loudly as she approached them, “to find that my brother is with _you_ , Sam. Nor should I be surprised that my brother would not seek me out immediately upon arrival. I shouldn’t be, but I am because I _told_ you,” she said, wagging a finger at Castiel, “that I wanted to know the instant you arrived.”

“I’m sure you’ll forgive me,” Cas said with a wry smile.

Anna first swatted his shoulder and then pulled him down into a hug. “I will, but only after you’ve told me everything about your life abroad. Some of us have husbands who are too scared of sailing for us to venture farther than the beach.”

“Boats are dangerous,” Dean huffed. He pat Cas on the back and smiled. “Good to see you again. I have a whole hoard of children who want to meet you, if you’re up to it.”

“I would very much like that.”

Dean shot an apologetic look Sam’s way before leading Cas up to the nursery where the children were either playing or in the middle of their lessons. While Anna and Dean enthusiastically asked Cas a million and a half questions, Sam trailed behind and listened.

_At least you weren’t a **complete** bumbling mess. The first encounter’s over with, now you’re prepared and can do better._

_… Except you hadn’t counted on how stunning Cas would look in his uniform. That might complicate things._

At that moment, Castiel turned to flash a small smile over his shoulder. Sam smiled back.

_Yes, things are indeed more complicated than they ought to be._

_I’m doomed._

~ ~ ~

It took Sam awhile to realize it was happening, but eventually he could not help but notice.

Unless it was all one big coincidence—doubtful—Dean and Anna were doing their best to thrust Sam and Castiel together. With practiced ease, they managed to arrange for the two men to spend time together.

They sat next to each other at every meal, regardless of who was in attendance. “This is my house,” Anna insisted, “and I’ll seat people where I please.”

When Dean, Sam, and Cas set aside a day to go hunting together, a servant arrived but an hour in to call Dean away on important business. “You needn’t trouble yourself, Sammy,” Dean said with a wink. “I’ll handle it!”

There was a picnic lunch planned with the children, but a visitor arrived at the last minute and Anna sent Sam and Castiel off on their own. “I’m so sorry.” Anna’s smile was anything but apologetic. “I’ll try to catch up, but I really can’t send Miss Masters away.”

At an informal dance at the house, they’re short partners. Anna insisted that Sam and Cas dance together. “It’s just family and friends, no need to measure up to any silly notions of propriety. It’s all for fun!”

It was sweet torture.

What really did it was when Dean asked Sam to fetch Castiel and invite him fishing with them. He searched most of the house before Sam found Castiel in the nursery reading a book to the children. Dean’s sons and daughters were circled around him, listening attentively, and John sat on Castiel’s lap and helped turn the pages.

Never before had Sam been more in love with Cas than in that moment.

He quietly shut the door behind him and left them be. It was Cas’ time with the children, and Sam wouldn’t interfere with their bonding.

“Where’s Castiel?” Dean asked.

“I know what you and Anna are doing,” Sam said.

Dean didn’t bother to deny it. “Good. We weren’t trying to be subtle about it.”

“You should stop.”

“Are you saying you no longer care for Cas?”

The image of Castiel with John sitting comfortably in his lap made Sam’s cheeks heat up. “No.”

“Then why—?”

“Because I don’t think Castiel’s interested. You and Anna, you two keep orchestrating moments for us to be alone together, yet he’s said nothing. It’s been over a decade, Dean. He’s moved on and doesn’t want to continue what little of a romantic entanglement we once had.”

Dean seemed skeptical. “Well, if you’re sure. I would recommend you talk to him first before you completely—”

“I’m sure. Can we just go fishing?”

“Of course. Lead the way.”

~ ~ ~

Dean at least took Sam’s request to heart; Anna was by no means deterred. They were still seated together at meals and Anna kept manufacturing ways for them to end up alone. Sam tried to put on a brave face, but more and more he saw Castiel’s tension and conversation began to feel strained. There were topics they simply could not or would not discuss with each other: the reasons behind Castiel’s long stay in India, Sam’s married life, that one fateful night they shared…

Yet Castiel made no effort to avoid Anna’s machinations, to set out for the Novak townhouse in London. They both continued to endure what Sam feared more and more was a forced friendship, and though he dreaded actually discussing it, he resigned himself to talking to Cas.

Thanks to Anna, he found an opportunity nearly as soon as he’d resolved to make the effort.

They went for a walk about the grounds, and _of course_ Sam and Castiel were paired together. Dean walked ahead, Mary on one arm and Anna on the other, and they walked so quickly there could be no doubt that they were trying to ditch them. Cas huffed in annoyance when they rounded a bend in the park only to find the trio nearly gone from sight.

That did Sam in, knowing that Castiel so dreaded being alone with him.

“Castiel, I’m sorry,” he blurt out, then forced himself to go on before he lost his nerve. “I know you’re angry at me for—”

“I’m not angry at _you,_ ” Cas grumbled. He gestured to the figures in the distance. “I’m angry at my sister. That she insists on _tormenting_ me with the illusion of things I can’t have. She means well, I’m sure, but it’s driving me mad.”

Sam stopped short. “Things you can’t have?” he repeated. Dare he yet hope?

Castiel kept walking, oblivious. “I know very well that your heart belongs to Lady Jess, as it should. I lost my chance years ago and—” He sighed. “And I’ve made my peace with that.”

_Yes, I dare._

Sam scrambled to catch up, rushing in front of Cas to stop him. “What are you saying? Tell me exactly, assume I assume nothing.”

“I’m saying,” he said slowly, a frown growing as he squinted up at Sam in confusion, “that I’m still in love with you. I know you’re disinterested. It’s alright, Sam, I understand. I don’t expect anything from you, and if this attempt at renewing our friendship or my constant presence at the Abbey is too much—”

Not needing to hear more, Sam leaned in and kissed Cas. Castiel’s lips moved as he continued to speak for another few words before he let out a short whimper and gave in. It was glorious.

When Sam broke the kiss, Cas leaned forward to try and chase his lips. Sam smiled but maintained the distance.

“I thought _you_ weren’t interested,” Sam said. He could not contain the grin on his face. “It’s been so long…”

Cas’ eyes crinkled at the edges. “Not so long that I’ve forgotten.”

“Me neither,” Sam admitted. “I could never forget.”

They both moved as if to kiss again, but then abruptly realized they were standing in the middle of the path. They weren’t exactly in full view of the house, but they were hardly hidden. Instead, they kept walking. This time, though, they walked hand in hand. They talked the whole way around the lake and back, confessing their feelings and hopes for the future.

There was more that they’d need to discuss, of course. Sam’s marriage would likely hang heavy between them for some time, as would Cas’ long absence, but for now they dwelled only on happy thoughts. They should get their moment to enjoy each other’s love and to soak in the warmth of knowing their own love was returned; they’d earned it.

When they caught up with everyone at the house, Anna watched them with a mischievous smile. “You boys took your time,” she said innocently.

Sam realized his fingers were still entwined with Castiel’s; he refused to let go. No matter what else might be in store for them, Sam knew he and Cas had found a safe haven here. Whatever might happen, he knew they had the support of their families and were free to love as they chose.

“We did,” Sam said. “But I think it was worth the wait.”

— fin —

* * *

**Bonus Scene:**

**Cas:** *staring up at Sam with wide eyes*

 **Sam, nervously:** … what?

 **Cas:** you’re just… so _tall_. i remember when _i_ was the tall one

 **Sam:** … you don’t like—?

 **Cas, loudly interrupting:** i like. i very very like.

 


End file.
